Tonight, on my fourth pot of coffee, I am sitting on the hardwood floor of my living room and working on a design project. And Ben Folds is singing Still Fighting It. Now I am trying to gather my thoughts and type while tears are streaming down my face. I can't not cry when I hear this song. I can't not be hopeful for that day down the road where my sons and I can sit down and have a couple beers.

I'm re-reading Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting. That book has formed and shaped me in ways I don't realize. And I have so much still to reconsider and learn. I've realized, as I've re-read, that I'm failing in many of the commitments I made to myself the first time I read the book. And I'm shocked at the ways I've allowed myself to fall into conditional parenting.

I don't want to raise boys who follow directions. I want to raise sons who make their own way.

The crux of the book is this: "Are my everyday practices likely to help my children grow into the kind of people I'd like them to be? Will the things I just said to my child at the supermarket contribute in some small way to her/him becoming happy and balanced and independent and fulfilled and so on - or is it possible (gulp) that the way I tend to handle such situations makes those outcomes less likely?"

My sons are so like me, I'm sorry. But they will make their own way. And they might do so wearing a mohawk or playing loud music. They might write poetry or collect tattoos. They might break hearts and they might have theirs broken. And then will be so like me in that they will do it all their own way. On their own.

Forgive me tonight for the times I have tried to box you in, small sons. Your independent hearts are my true loves. You are your daddy. You are me. You are so very much individually you. And I think you're just great how you are. And I think you're just great how you'll be.

I have every faith that down this long road, as I struggle to catch the moments and hold onto the memories, we will find a deep and sustainable friendship that will > than any struggle we've shared. I want to parent unconditionally, even when its inconvenient. Even when I don't know what the hell I'm doing. And always with the same great grace and love I have been shown. 

You're amazing. And I never want to fight that. 

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