Tuesday, 21 September 2010 02:04
"One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight... where's Lila?" I jog the parameter of the playground, counting the heads of the children I'm here with. I know them by the colors of their shirts, the quickness of their feet, the rainbow of their skin.
In two weeks time reality as we knew it has changed. I find myself rocking someone else's little boys to sleep, kissing the scraped knee of someone else's little girl, reminding their daughter that she truly is the most beautiful girl on the face of the earth. I am not just playing Auntie, but sometimes mother and sometimes comfort and always love.
Rewind back to a month ago when we were filled with excitement at the arrival of my husband's older brother, his wife, and their six children who moved from another state, signed a year lease on a house, enrolled their kids in school, and found a job. For two weeks life seemed great - birthday parties and unpacking, nine cousins, a wooded backyard, lots of mud, and a closeness we'd longed for.
Then, she left. Just like that my brother-in-law's wife, these six angel's mother, left the state for another man. The details are sketchy, the reasoning juvenile, the selfishness staggering. And six children aged eight and under are suddenly, practically speaking, motherless.
As the story has unraveled and we have begun to wrap our minds around this unfathomable act, we realize how little we knew this woman. Her struggles with self image, addictions, self-medicating, and contentment run deep within her life story. I am sad for her - that she has never been open to the great love that was shown her. I am sad for her, that she has never recognized the inner beauty she might possess. I mourn a friendship I thought I knew - baffled by the lies she told me and confused as to why she tried so hard to deceive me. But I am guilty too of deception and many times I've lacked honesty in order to pass for whole.
Tomorrow begins what may turn into a long and ugly custody battle. Both parents want full custody. Six children need a home. While no parent is perfect, right now I believe their Dad is the more fit parent. But I am imperfect and I cannot judge.
Tomorrow begins a painful process that may force me to A) let go of these children and watch them drive away, even as my heart has become deeply attached to theirs, or B) adjust my schedule to begin a long term care routine that enables their Dad to work and provide without neglecting the nurture of these six.
My home has been filled with the pitter patter of eighteen little feet. My three have learned to share, adapt, express, give, and love in ways that they will forever be shaped by. If this two weeks is all we have as a unified unit I will forever be blessed because I had eighteen days with eighteen little feet. But my heart aches for the situation. I realize there are no easy answers. There is never a good way to divide a family. And I pray that regardless of the court decision tomorrow, Thursday, next month or ten years from now, grace is enough to cover us all.
My 3, A friend's 2, and my 4 nephews at an Applebees Birthday Party!
